What medical condition do you have?

"E.D."

"Feminine itching."

"Overactive bladder."

"If you have an erection lasting over four hours..."

"Vaginal dryness."

"I have herpes."

And the latest, heard on TV just this afternoon... "May cause a reduction in semen."

I am so glad these medical catchphrases do not exist on Swiss television.

No kidding

Found printed on the back of the remote control to my grandmother's television:

"Not dishwasher safe."

Happy birthday to me!

Today was a good day. I went to see "Atonement" with my dad (at first I couldn't decide whether I liked it or not, but now I've decided that I do). It's set in the 1930s and 40s, and it's about how a girl's lie ruins two people's lives. Then I took a nap, and then we went out for a milkshake before driving through neighborhoods to see Christmas lights. Here are a few of the displays we saw:

A Texas sleigh:



(In case you can't tell, that's a covered wagon the reindeer are pulling):



Our Dallas sports teams:



And a Texas Christmas isn't complete without an armadillo or two:



We also saw what I called a "schizo" house at first. As it turns out, you tune into a radio station and all of the sudden it's not so schizo anymore -- the lights are timed to music! It was very neat.

Overall, a very good birthday.

Merry (belated) Christmas

...from our family friends' cat.

Home videos

Today we took a roadtrip to go visit my dad. He dug out a bunch of old home movies for me to watch while I was visiting him. (Side note: Oh my goodness! I had such an accent when I was little! I don't sound like that anymore.)

One of the videos was from the Christmas that was three days before I turned five. Now, you have to understand that I surprised the heck out of my parents when I started reading at 18 months of age. So on this Christmas before I turned five, I was quietly taking in all the presents under the tree. Just looking at them and calmly stating what they were, not touching them. Then my father told me to look in my stocking, so I did. When I saw what was in there, I started screaming, "Two new books! Two new books!"

Apparently, they were the best present I got that year.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Dang fool remote

Yesterday morning I lost the remote control. I tore up my room looking for it. No remote. I tore up my grandmother’s room, the living room, the dining room, and the kitchen. Still no remote. Not even in the fridge.

That made me pretty mad. Our television is really, really old, and it’s not designed for cable. To get cable channels, you have to type them in on the number pad of the remote control. If you punch the channel up and down buttons on the TV, you just get network channels.

We spent the whole day out of the house, so I didn’t think much about it until last night. There was a program I really wanted to watch, so I decided to search for the remote one last time. The last time I’d had it was in bed when I woke up, so I figured it must be in the sheets somewhere. I stripped off the quilt, shook it out, and threw it in the floor. Then I did the same with the blanket, then with the sheet. Still no remote. I shook out the pillows and my teddy bear – still no remote. It wasn’t underneath or behind the bed, either. So I made the bed back up, one layer at a time, and put the pillows and the bear back on top. Then I changed into my pajamas, turned out the light and crawled into bed.

The pillows were uncomfortable, so I reached under them to pull them forward. And what do you know…

…out came the remote.

I swear the remote fairy must have stuck it there.